June 23, 2016
Are you ready to move on?
Moving on from a relationship can be a very difficult task. It’s not the physical capability to move on but the emotional. How do you just throw away all of your feelings for a person? Were you truly in love if you can do so? The answer is no, you were infatuated.
“Human behavior flows from three main sources: desire, emotion and knowledge” –Plato
The first two, desire and emotion, are the strongest of the 3 above mentioned towards human behavior. It usually leads to a person becoming vindictive. Acting on the feeling of wanting to be vindictive is not moving on. Being vindictive doesn’t erase your feelings. It may suppress them for the moment but they are still there.
The truth is you cannot move forward in another situation until your feelings are gone from your past. Some may force the “new” partner to make them forget but once again that is only temporary. I’ve attempted this strategy before and it only led to hurting the “new” person. Without giving yourself time to officially rid your mental of the feelings of your past you will not be able to give 100% to anybody. That is not fair to the “new” person but more importantly it is not fair to you.
The scary part is, more so then not, everybody that is single is still attached to a past situation. For example, I will speak about myself. I know for a fact that I’m still in love with my ex. I want to be with my ex and spend the rest of my life with her. Although on paper, yes I am single, in my mental I am not. The brain is way more powerful than your physical. I accept the fact that I am single physically and not mentally. If I allowed my physical form of being single control my decisions it would only lead to more confusion. Confusion is what you want to avoid in any situation. When I meet “new” people I initially express the fact that yes I am single but I’m still dealing with my past. This works for me to allow a clear understanding that I am not prepared to give 100% to anybody else right now. Until I clear my mental of the feelings I have for my ex, moving on is not an option.
This is the first time I’m writing in a first person format. I’ve attempted to move on and it has failed drastically at every attempt. That’s how I personally knew it was not time for me to move on. Time heals all, this is true, but what if I don’t want to be healed? I wrote about chasing your dreams for a friend of mine as a feature on her blog. It led me to think about exactly what I was typing. Nothing or nobody should stand in the way of your dream. I am a dream chaser and I will not stop until my dream is caught.
My strategy might not work for all. But, the fact remains; if you still are emotionally attached to the past then you cannot move forward to the future…
June 21, 2016
Per Webster, Growing Pains secondary definition is the difficulties experienced in the early stages of an enterprise. Let’s replace enterprise with relationship and we can all agree that Growing Pains happens in every relationship. The question is how do you deal with them? Do you run or do you stay? Do you complain or do you fix it? Do you go with your brain or your heart?
Growing pains in a relationship can come in every shape or form. It could be small as a mustard seed or as large as Mount Everest. It can come in the beginning in the form of not knowing if you’ll are monogamous. Later in the relationship it can come in the form of cheating. It doesn’t matter the size of the pain the fact is it still is pain. Some have thicker skin than others. Some have a higher tolerance for pain.
This topic came up this past weekend while visiting my dad and his wife. While at lunch for father’s day they spoke about growing pains. It was a positive conversation as I left understanding this happens no matter the age or no matter the relationship. They have been together for 16 years and expressed to me they still go through the growing pains. My step mother actually stated “We’ve had issues to the fact I don’t want him to touch me.” She then followed that up with a powerful statement, “But, not once did I have the thought of leave him.” That is exactly how you attack this so called pain. The one thing is true about pain, it hurts. When something hurts the initial thought of any human wants to feel better. To feel better you must face the pain head on and fix what happened to cause the pain.
COMMUNICATION! This is the first and most important step in facing the growing pains. Of course, depending on the situation, you may need some time to actually speak about the pain. But, the fact is, you will have to speak about it or it will continue to hurt. If your partner lied to you, then gain the knowledge to understand what made your partner lie. The greatest part of communication is 1. It gives you knowledge of your partner and 2. You may see some things within yourself that caused the lie.
Number 2 is a tough pill to swallow but it may be a necessary pill to swallow. It is a difficult thing to accept feedback that you may not agree with. What will always stand the test of time is the truth hurts. The truth could be, due to a past situation the person is scared of telling you the truth. Maybe you are argumentative and your partner is just trying to avoid an argument. This is in no way an excuse to lie. Lying is never the best option in any situation. Lying will just lead to a bigger argument in the long run. It is best for both partners to be prepared for the truth and to talk it out.
The worst thing possible is to allow the growing pains to steer you away from the relationship. The grass isn’t always greener on the other side. Better yet, the grass could be worst on the other side. Growing pains definitely have different levels to them. The scale of growing pains is boundless.
Growing pains are alive and well in every relationship. Every relationship goal should be to deal with the growing pain and allow the pain the uplift the relationship. Growing pains build skin to any relationship. Nothing will be perfect, but how will you handle it when its not…
June 7, 2016
Can love cause you to be a fool? Absolutely it can and the kicker is it can happen very easily. The positive is sometimes what you call a fool can end up with you being the winner. Now I’m not saying disrespect yourself (which is a thin line to walk by “Playing the fool”). What I am saying is do what makes you happy.
There are a few ways to playing the “Smart fool.” I actually spoke to a few coworkers about this to gain some personal situations where they considered themselves to be playing the fool. Trying to be with a person that you know is dealing with another person was the first. In this situation, they told me they would check their phone all the time. Spend a lot of time with the person so you know the time is not going to the other party. What worked was picking up a lot of other things to do and to stay busy. It is almost impossible to be in that situation and not think about what the other person is doing when they’re not with you. So, picking up hobbies actually was a great suggestion. Read, exercise, I don’t care what it is but you have to find something to keep your mind occupied. Now, I can tell you what is not going to work. Being worrisome and forcing yourself on that person. Speaking about the other situation all the time will only cause that person to gravitate the way you don’t want. However, what you don’t want to do is give too much space to have the person forget you.
Of course you have the other option of just leaving. This could end up being a wise decision. However, what if you’re truly in love and you know you want to be with that person? Out of sight out of mind may not be the best thing to do if your goal is to be with that particular person. To add to the suggestion of picking up a few hobbies and staying busy would be to capitalize on the time you actually do get to spend with the person. This will help with just focusing on the other person’s happiness. In time, I believe this will only do good things. Also, when he/she is out dating, they will think about you. The smallest things will bug the person because of the happiness you’re providing each time you’ll are together.
Come up with the “If-Then” plan and you will succeed if you are truly done. If you want to call, then i will… That will be the best plan for you. Like when I don’t want to work out, then I step outside to get motivated. If you feel like you’re going to do something that you know you don’t want to do then you need to come up with a then plan. This strategy allows you to increase your chances to control your impulses.
Now, I’m not saying this will work. But, I’ve never been one to quit on things that I wanted. Relationships should not be any different. I’ve seen so many relationships fail because one person just gave up. They say love conquers all and I’m the hopeless romantic that happens to believe that.